Nestled somewhere in the depths of my barely holding on Ikea bookshelf is this astrology book I bought last year when I was trying to learn about my birth chart and all that jazz.

Within those pages, I learned a lot about myself. A lot of it I already knew but you know how you need something or someone else to confirm things for you in order for you to actually believe them.

Anyway, somewhere in that book it told me that Gemini's with my specific birth chart don't normally find love and 'settle down' until after they're thirty. That stuck with me.

I spent the last few months of my thirties living it up. Determined to believe that these will be the last of my single years because once I hit the big 3-0 I was going to enter some sort of second puberty.

To be fair, I hit that second puberty within those months before my birthday and it. sucked. balls.

Big ones.

Before, I honestly didn't care much about dating. The last hardcore relationship I had was well over five years ago. Sure, I've casually dated but I just had no visible interest in getting into anything more.

But, actually, let's backtrack for a second here....

My 20's sucked. At least the later part of my 20's. I entered this time zone where I was trying to figure out my sexuality and gender. I hated it because I thought a lot about my growing up and a lot of things just didn't make sense until now. Why was I trying so hard to date straight CIS men? Why was I trying to look like and actively present as female? My late 20's was all about me coming to terms with the fact that I had been suppressing a lot of my identity and trying to grasp onto anything I could to make sense of it all.

Once I unlocked that queerness in me, however, it did make this second puberty thing really difficult. It was like my blinders came off and I was no longer honing in on men, I was honing in on EVERYONE. Can you say sensory overload?

That's what I am finding to be most difficult right now. Yes, I have had a few encounters with non-straight CIS men. I enjoyed them. But I haven't had full blown relationships with any.

I knew when it finally hit me that I was moving out of my moms place (like honestly, thanks mom...) for this career change, I knew that this meant the opportunity to date and get into relationships was way larger.

In a sense, the idea that I didn't have my own personal space and that I was still this awkward (now 30) fresh out of the closet non-binary queer demisexual who has been celibate (by choice) for well over five years was holding me back. Like I didn't need to get involved with anyone while I was still sorting out my own shit...and now I have the shit sorted out and I will have the space to do it so there is no need to not make the effort.

Moving to a new city and being able to essentially start over and enter this space as me now vs. me still putting the pieces together is both exciting and stressful.

So like, second puberty in your late 20's, right? Learning about your body and seeing it change, noticing the opposite or same sex again for what feels like the first time. Sweating profusely when you see someone you think is attractive and becoming a bumbling idiot when you try to talk to them. Like, it's bad when you're a teenager...but when you're an adult it's just awkward.

It's almost like a placebo effect. The book told me "not until you're after 30!" so I was like "cool, I have a few more months to be single and miserable and I can rightfully not get attached to anyone because I'm not 30 yet" but then like a month or so before I turn 30 I mentally start to notice people and things because my brain knows it's my birthday soon and that I should be trying harder.

Wait, is that a placebo effect or just an excuse?

To be fair, that book said AFTER 30. I could very well be a miserable potato still lusting after Adam Driver for five more years. These are all truths. BUT that doesn't stop the fact that now I am actively thinking about it...and it's doubly scary to know it's something I ACTUALLY want now.

I wouldn't say I am lonely, I have only child syndrome and I am an INTJ hardcore and I LOVE being alone...BUUUUUUT, I am just not opposed to it anymore.

And honestly that in and of itself is a goddamn miracle after everything I've been through.

I'd like to thank my therpist for helping me get over this hurdle though.
Like for real...you're a real one and I know you'll probably never read this but you've done WONDERS.