I've been living in a new city for a little over two weeks now and I swear it's felt like a month.
Not in a bad way, it's just with my new job it's felt a lot longer. What they don't tell you about moving to a place that actually experiences summer is that it feels like the days drag longer. I guess that's what people are referring to when they say "long summer nights".

Except it's like...long summer days AND nights.

So like I said, I started a new job and it's going...well.

The thing no one tells you about working as on a sales team for a major clothing company in what is essentially a call center is that you will get more than exhausted talking to people every day. Luckily, during my training (of which I only have one more week of) I haven't had that many upset people to talk to. Everyone I have helped has been supremely nice and easy to accommodate. I was nervous at first, because I 1. hate talking on the phone and 2. hate having to deal with people but it's proving to be a really fun job...mostly because I don't have to talk to them face to face.

I've made ample friends who I wont see as frequently post-training because we all work different schedules and times but that doesn't mean I wont see them at all. I really like the people I have grown to know so far. I also managed to get a nice amount of positive feedback from people who take those post phone call surveys at the end which is nice....I even won a t-shirt for being a pretty good sales agent. And this is all JUST from training..I haven't even gotten into my full role yet. Needless to say, I am enjoying it...

Within the two weeks I also managed to land a role doing wardrobe for a short film. I latched onto this person in my training classes who does SFX makeup and we started talking about how I do costumes and things. She works for a haunted house and also mentioned she just got on a film. I got connected and here I am. I am a week away from getting my first experience on a film set of any kind doing the one job I REALLY want to do. I am over the moon! I will report back on that later.

One of the things I did that was completely new to me was going to my first state fair. I've lived close to Sacramento for YEARS but never once had I gone to the fair. Lucky for me, it landed shortly after my moving here and we made a point to go. Now, I wouldn't say it was AWFUL..but it was SO hot and it made it REALLY hard to enjoy it. The people were bleh but it was nice to see that state fairs are exactly what movies and shit make them out out to be. I can see how they're fun.

On the dating front, I am officially on Tinder. I have had an OkCupid account for a while not landing much in the Bay Area (then again, I wasn't trying) but now that I am trying to put myself out there, here I am. I have talked to a handful of people but I am finding it really hard to make the time to date. Between work (and being too tired and it being TOO hot to get motivated to do anything) and me about to be busy this week and over the weekend with the film, I just don't put the effort into making plans. Luckily, people are easy going so far and it hasn't been and issue.

When I am not working or hanging out with my roommates, I am in my room binge watching Supernatural on Netflix and reading fan fiction. I know, glamorous...but really these are my self care options right now until I start making my income to actually save and do things. I am slowly getting used to driving places. I know how to get to and from work without google maps and I can navigate to most of the stores and places I have frequented since. I have managed to find the local target (though it is under construction but still shoppable however it gives me hear palpitations because it's not one I am used to) which is really the only thing that brings me ease. Target, as most of you know, is my home planet. My home away from home. When I am stressed out, I pop in headphones and walk around Target. Sometimes I buy things, sometimes I don't. It's just...therapeutic.

My health insurance kicks in on the 1st which means it'll be time for me to try to find a therapist out here which I really need and miss. I am also going to get my check-up and shit because I am 30 now and am starting to feel the physical impacts of that...this bitch is getting old.

Lastly, my thirst for knowledge has been knocking at the door again. While I have zero desire to go back to school full time for any degree, I am considering taking some online classes just because. I'll report on that if I decide on anything.

 I have a lot of things I want and need to do so I plan to update here a bit more frequently as things progress. I am loving how everything is going so far and only being here two weeks I seem to have gotten a lot accomplished.

Go me. 

Nestled somewhere in the depths of my barely holding on Ikea bookshelf is this astrology book I bought last year when I was trying to learn about my birth chart and all that jazz.

Within those pages, I learned a lot about myself. A lot of it I already knew but you know how you need something or someone else to confirm things for you in order for you to actually believe them.

Anyway, somewhere in that book it told me that Gemini's with my specific birth chart don't normally find love and 'settle down' until after they're thirty. That stuck with me.

I spent the last few months of my thirties living it up. Determined to believe that these will be the last of my single years because once I hit the big 3-0 I was going to enter some sort of second puberty.

To be fair, I hit that second puberty within those months before my birthday and it. sucked. balls.

Big ones.

Before, I honestly didn't care much about dating. The last hardcore relationship I had was well over five years ago. Sure, I've casually dated but I just had no visible interest in getting into anything more.

But, actually, let's backtrack for a second here....

My 20's sucked. At least the later part of my 20's. I entered this time zone where I was trying to figure out my sexuality and gender. I hated it because I thought a lot about my growing up and a lot of things just didn't make sense until now. Why was I trying so hard to date straight CIS men? Why was I trying to look like and actively present as female? My late 20's was all about me coming to terms with the fact that I had been suppressing a lot of my identity and trying to grasp onto anything I could to make sense of it all.

Once I unlocked that queerness in me, however, it did make this second puberty thing really difficult. It was like my blinders came off and I was no longer honing in on men, I was honing in on EVERYONE. Can you say sensory overload?

That's what I am finding to be most difficult right now. Yes, I have had a few encounters with non-straight CIS men. I enjoyed them. But I haven't had full blown relationships with any.

I knew when it finally hit me that I was moving out of my moms place (like honestly, thanks mom...) for this career change, I knew that this meant the opportunity to date and get into relationships was way larger.

In a sense, the idea that I didn't have my own personal space and that I was still this awkward (now 30) fresh out of the closet non-binary queer demisexual who has been celibate (by choice) for well over five years was holding me back. Like I didn't need to get involved with anyone while I was still sorting out my own shit...and now I have the shit sorted out and I will have the space to do it so there is no need to not make the effort.

Moving to a new city and being able to essentially start over and enter this space as me now vs. me still putting the pieces together is both exciting and stressful.

So like, second puberty in your late 20's, right? Learning about your body and seeing it change, noticing the opposite or same sex again for what feels like the first time. Sweating profusely when you see someone you think is attractive and becoming a bumbling idiot when you try to talk to them. Like, it's bad when you're a teenager...but when you're an adult it's just awkward.

It's almost like a placebo effect. The book told me "not until you're after 30!" so I was like "cool, I have a few more months to be single and miserable and I can rightfully not get attached to anyone because I'm not 30 yet" but then like a month or so before I turn 30 I mentally start to notice people and things because my brain knows it's my birthday soon and that I should be trying harder.

Wait, is that a placebo effect or just an excuse?

To be fair, that book said AFTER 30. I could very well be a miserable potato still lusting after Adam Driver for five more years. These are all truths. BUT that doesn't stop the fact that now I am actively thinking about it...and it's doubly scary to know it's something I ACTUALLY want now.

I wouldn't say I am lonely, I have only child syndrome and I am an INTJ hardcore and I LOVE being alone...BUUUUUUT, I am just not opposed to it anymore.

And honestly that in and of itself is a goddamn miracle after everything I've been through.

I'd like to thank my therpist for helping me get over this hurdle though.
Like for real...you're a real one and I know you'll probably never read this but you've done WONDERS.

At the ripe age of 18, I moved out of the apartment I shared with my mom. I wanted to be independent and I thought "There is no way in hell I will be 18 and still living at home!" So I packed up, and hauled ass about 30 minutes away to a city I had no business living in but did because of a boy.

The boy and I didn't work out, but I did find another one who lived four hours away from me. In retrospect, we moved really fast. Getting engaged after knowing each other a few weeks and moving in with each other after a few months. But you know, life comes at you fast and you just gotta go with it.

We didn't work out. Living in the same space with a significant other wasn't something I was ready for. Plus, we weren't living in an ideal location and we just realized, among other things, we weren't compatible. But I only found this out after moving back home with the promise of leaving again with him to share our own home only to be broken up with over a text message.

That, my friends, is how I found myself back with my mom.

That was 9 years ago.

Between being reckless with money, job hopping, having my anxiety and depression start kicking in full gear I just never thought I'd move out again. If you would have told the me 9 years ago who was balled up on the floor holding their phone dealing with crippling heartbreak that when I turned 30 my life would ACTUALLY kick into gear, I would have thrown that cheap LG in your face.

So yeah, I turned thirty a few weeks ago and I feel like all of those tarot readings and shit really started kicking in all at once. Let me tell you, I am not ready.

See, I have been applying for jobs in the fashion industry since I graduated May of 2017. I am just a little over a year out of school and I've worked for Levi's and The North Face on contract positions all the while applying for full time work in the Bay Area with nothing sticking. On a whim, after spending my 30th birthday in Sacramento with my friend, I looked into jobs up there. Just to see, you know, if I had options. I'd been considering places like LA and Portland thinking getting as far away from here as possible was what I needed, but none of the jobs I'd been applying to in those locations were landing. I found out that The Gap as an HQ in Rocklin, 30 minutes north of Sacramento so I looked into their positions and applied.

A week later, I had a job offer. Now, not to toot my horn but I kinda felt like I had that one in the bag. I didn't know I wanted the job until I got there, I was just going in with a "Let's just try it out" mindset. But when I got there and heard more about the jobs I realized I wanted it...and I got it.

So that's where I find myself being moved to. In a few weeks I will pack up some of my life and move a little over an hour away for a new job.

I had a panic attack after getting offered the job because it was real. Everything was starting and it was happening too fast. I was not prepared...I still am not. My financial situation isn't ideal and I have no idea if I am going to be able to do what I want to do in this next phase but I have seen people do more with less and landed on their feet so I am trying my best to tell myself I've got this.

It helps that I have people in my corner too.


My birthday also brought up a bunch of other things too for me, things that I plan on sharing in future posts but for now my main concern is making sure this move happens smoothly and my new job goes off without a hitch. This space is just a place for me to talk about all the things that I will experience in this phase of life.

This is also a place for my friends to read about what's going on with me. I suck a communication and don't often pick up my phone as much these days anymore for anything other than Instagram and reading fan fiction so if you're my friends and you just wanna keep tabs on me...this is the place.